When evaluating refusal-type behaviors, it’s important to consider whether they are diagnostic (due to ADHD) or simply acts of defiance or misbehavior (behavioral situation).
The ultimate way to decipher behavior is to take into account both your child’s ADHD symptoms as well as their executive functioning abilities. Poor executive functioning literally means they have lagging skills, and as parents, we often have unrealistic expectations of what our child is capable of doing. Take a look at the list of ADHD-based symptoms. Is the behavior in question directly related to an executive functioning task, bearing in mind that a child’s ability to perform a task sometimes does not mean they can do it all the times?
Or is the behavior possibly due to a lesser-known ADHD challenge? Then, consider if the behavior could be anxiety driven. We avoid and control situations due to anxiety and anxiety is a natural part of every reaction and interaction.
To recap this part of the roadmap, it’s important to determine if the behavior in question is caused by a lagging skill related to ADHD or if it’s anxiety-based. If the answer is yes or maybe to either, then the behavior is diagnostic, meaning it is due to something that, at the moment, is technically outside of their control to stop or change.
However, if you feel the answer to the previous questions is no, then the refusal-type behavior is likely behavioral, meaning that it is within their control to stop or change once they possess the necessary tools.
Behavioral refusal is often intentional and a conscious choice, leading to many bad habits that can feel insurmountable to break. You may not like the word brat, but unfortunately, that can oftentimes
be the best descriptor of what is going on! Behavioral issues often require natural consequences, consistent parenting and persistent follow-through because they are not related to ADHD.
It can be really hard to determine what is diagnostic and what is behavioral so when in doubt, presume behavior is diagnostic so that you are not ‘punishing’ for something outside of the ADHD child’s control. However, low demand parenting is not the option for either. ADHD does not respond to low demand parenting; in fact, it is the worst thing possible for those with ADHD. And, being a brat requires consistent follow-through, clear direction and support to overcome. Both have a lot of bad habits that set a child up to fail and a parent to feel exhausted. And both show demand avoidance.
Let’s keep in mind that children always have a reason for their refusal, and while it may not seem logical to you, their refusal is communication that something bigger is wrong. We can explore all of this through parent coaching as well! Whether the refusal stems from ADHD or for behavioral reasons, parent coaching can assist you in developing strategies to support your child.