Temper tantrums are when the child has an end goal in mind. The root of this is often emotional manipulation, as it is technically within their control and can typically be stopped when a child is given what they want or are distracted by something better. This is a parenting situation. Now, I don’t love the word emotional manipulation because that is saying that the child has a lot of control that they may not have yet become aware of. But, whether your child is three years old or thirteen, the reality is temper tantrums happen. But, to normalize for a second. You have temper tantrums also! Temper tantrums are absolutely a normal form of expression and communication when we feel as if people around us are not understanding what we are saying. In fact, it is quite an effective way to communicate because it oftentimes gets exactly what we want to happen- even if that is just people around us stopping and looking at all for a moment. Temper tantrums in his purest sense are about receiving attention; attention to something that feels off, or wrong and that we don’t have a verbal way to explain. So temper tantrums are not always bad, but they are about emotional manipulation. But, emotional manipulation can simply mean- it is about getting someone to slow down and connect with the bigger problem at hand.
But what are meltdowns then?
Meltdowns are outside of the control of the child. These are not intentional or manipulative in anyway. The child is overloaded, overwhelmed and genuinely needs a break. The goal is to reduce the stimuli that is overwhelming the child in the moment. This is an environmental and diagnostic problem and cannot be stopped by distraction or giving in. A tantrum can turn into a meltdown but a meltdown does not turn into a tantrum. AND- meltdowns are RARE.
Your child is almost always having a temper tantrum and not a meltdown. But, we as a society oftentimes use the wrong word to describe the problem which is actually a huge issue. When we say temper tantrums our brain is programmed to recognize that we need to stop the behavior. When we say meltdown we tend to overly sympathize with the situation which can oftentimes reinforce the unwanted behavior of a temper tantrum. So when in down presume it is a temper tantrum and watch for the smile, acknowledgment, bargaining and demanding because meltdowns have none of that. In a meltdown, we lose all forms of communication. We rock, we hit our head, we self soothe because in that moment we are trying to survive and to regulate. Temper tantrums are none of that.
We can work on naming the difference in parent coaching and learning how to get out from under the overwhelm of an excessively temper tantruming child.