Social media is booming these days about demand avoidance and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and you probably have thought, “WOW! That is exactly my child.” However, the truth is that out of more than 50 assessments I have conducted in the past 8 months, only THREE have actually met the criteria established by the founding researchers in the UK for PDA. So why does almost everyone identify with the PDA criteria? And why is it such a big focus these days?
The truth is ALMOST EVERY CHILD meets the current criteria for PDA because it has very much shifted from its original vision. But PDA is NOT just the refusal to do things. PDA, at its core, involves an out of balance nervous system that is actively avoiding the flight response associated with anxiety while attempting to engage in PREFERRED activities. This means that despite an individual’s strong desire to participate in an exciting activity (such as attending a dance class, or going to a birthday party), they absolutely cannot because they are paralyzed with fear. It is NOT refusal to do non-preferred activities. It is not refusal to do homework, or chores, nor is it related to social challenges with siblings. PDA is not the refusal to do things really at all! PDA is defined by the desperate desire to do something, yet in that crucial moment, there is a loss of all essential executive functions- abilities usually possessed with ease- leading to feelings of self-defeat and an anxiety spiral that prevents the individual from partaking in something they would otherwise love to do.
But- social media has forgotten that. Now, parents think PDA means any form of demand avoidance.
However, did you know that demand avoidance is NORMAL? It is a functional part of how our nervous systems work. Demand avoidance is what keeps us alive. It is what keeps us from doing something over-the-ledge risky that could kill us. Demand avoidance is a safety mechanism AND it is why ADHD children have ALWAYS been demand avoidant. But here is the confusing part: ADHD families have for decades experienced the paralyzing stoppage and inability (or refusal) to do things. In fact, society named it procrastination and defiance years ago. And, PDA is just a new name for something that has always existed. In the past it has been called ADHD, DMDD and ODD. They are all the same thing and that is why PDA resonates with so many people. However, the current recommended parenting strategies for PDA are catastrophic for ADHD kids. The whole low demand parenting approach is the worst thing possible for an ADHD individual with demand avoidance. Yes, low demand parenting is wonderful for those with debilitating levels of anxiety and for those within the Autistic burnout system, but you’re not here because of that. You might recognize that the low demand parenting approach actually made things worse, but also can’t quite figure out how to get back on track. That is where coaching can help. We can get you back on track, have your child back to meeting age-appropriate expectations and dramatically reduce the demand avoidance. But also remember, demand avoidance is normal. You do it too. In fact, you’ve probably done it while reading this blog. Demand avoidance is that ick reaction we have when someone tells us something we adamantly believe might not be right. And it is that defensive feeling you might have right now as you are processing all the events and decisions that led to where you are now.
I am extremely supportive of the PDA community, but I also recognize that for those individuals who are not full-blown PDA, the current parent strategies are extremely detrimental. For families genuinely experiencing PDA however, we will dive in hard and thoroughly explore strategies that involve low-demand expectations to support your kiddo’s success. PDA does not have to be a life sentence, and it certainly doesn’t mean your child can’t function and thrive. We just have to dramatically alter our approach to enable them to reach their full potential, all while being mindful of the Autistic burnout cycle.